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01^st Aug 2010

Sunday // 12am // 1 year ago

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.

I realized I havent posted on here in a while, so I figured I would update it.

I am no longer dealing with the same issues I have. I have new ones, lol. I met a new girl. Her name is Dez. She is pretty much amazing. I dont know how else to describe it. She is everything I want and more. I am not used to being with someone whose nice. It scares me and it makes me push her away. I dont mean to, it just happens. I looked up our signs, and apparently, we are not supposed to be compatible lol. But I dont know? We will see where it goes. She lives with me. My parents love her. Shes like my moms second daughter and my dads new best friend lol. I hope we get through our arguements and somehow maintain a good relationship. I cant really see myself without her. Shes just a big part of my life and I get scared of it. Im trying to trust her but its hard. I love her though, without a doubt. She can always put a smile on my face, no matter the weather.

Anyways, I got into a huge fight with my dad last night. He tried hitting me and I wasnt having it. I finally stood up to him for the first time in 20 years. I told him everything I ever thought about him and exactly how I felt about him. He is going to drink less and to that, I have to give him more respect, which I am willing to.

I am still looking for a job. It sucks. But other than that, everything is pretty much well. =]

21^st Jun 2010

Monday // 6pm // 1 year ago

21^st Jun 2010

Monday // 6pm // 1 year ago

21^st Jun 2010

Monday // 6pm // 1 year ago

21^st Jun 2010

Monday // 6pm // 1 year ago

21^st Jun 2010

Monday // 5pm // 1 year ago

21^st Jun 2010

Monday // 5pm // 1 year ago

&+ It all ended in a flash..

I was standing outside waiting for him to show up, when I got in the car, he wasnt what I expected. Looks arent everything, but it was a different person I had been talking to. He didnt look the same. I went out with him to the park, we talked a bit. I didnt feel comfortable. He asked about my previous relationships and weird questions. I wasnt attracted to him. He wasnt the one. I could feel it. We went out for coffee, he made me feel weird. We got back in the car on the way home, he held my hand. I tried moving but he wouldnt let go. I couldnt wait to get of the car. He just wasnt my type. =/

After that, I was on the way to the Fathers Day cookout with my moms family. My uncle started flipping out in the car. I was sitting in the backseat with both of my cousins. They started crying and asked him to stop yelling; he didnt. He got louder. I got into a huge fight with my uncle. I cant stand him disrepecting my aunt. He has no right saying the things he did to her, let alone in front of my cousins. They dont need to see that. I told him to shut the fuck up. He asked me what I said and I told him I made it clear. We went back to my aunts house to drop him off, he start screaming. More drama happened. My aunt dropped my cousins and I off at my grandmothers house. She went back to deal with him.

Everything went fine after that, I guess. I called her last night. I needed someone to talk to. She always comforts me. She has a girlfriend. It still hurts. We got into an arguement. I told her I never wanted to talk to her again. Its not how I really feel, she just gets me so mad. I love her so much. I say things to make her mad. I was reading some of our old emails from back in 2008-2009, I cried. It hurts knowing you were so deep in love with someone who constantly hurt you. I wanted things to be perfect. I wanted it to be us til the end. As hard as it is, I still think about her at night. I still cry over her. I still love her. And I think I always will. She never loved me. Shes always been in love with her ex girlfriend that she claimed she never loved. It hurts. She will never understand exactly how I feel about her until she walks in my shoes. She would see shes my life. My world. The only person I check out daily. The only one that gets all my attention. The only one I could see my life with. She will never get it.

If I had one wish, I wouldnt want a million dollars or the world. I wouldnt ask for anything but one night, one night to prove I can be everything you dream of, everything you’ve ever hoped for; I can be your one and only. But wishes are naive because they never come true.. =/

21^st Jun 2010

Monday // 4pm // 1 year ago

20^th Jun 2010

Sunday // 10am // 1 year ago

Things about me

10 Things You Want:

1. To start a journal and not forget about it.
2. A tattoo.
3. Not to be scared to open my heart, again.
4. iTunes songs to be free.
5. To get over my ex.
6. A new sidekick.
7. A job.
8. More money.
9. To be happy.
10. To get over my fear of driving. 

9 Musicians/bands you love:

1. Kelly Clarkson
2. Jagged Edge
3. Drake
4. Nickelback
5. Linkin Park
6. Eminem
7. Rihanna
8. Lady Gaga
9. Pretty Ricky

8 Things You Do Everyday:

1. Text message
2. Shower
3. Listen to music
4. Watch tv.
5. Argue with my mom (hate it)
6. Go on facebook
7. Think about the past
8. Drink coffee milk<3

7 Things You Enjoy:

1. Music
2. Kissing
3. Holding hands
4. Watching movies
5. Hugs
6. Feeling comfortable
7. Hanging with my little cousins

6 things that will always win your heart:  

1. Kisses on my forehead
2. Inside jokes
3. Sense of humor
4. Cuddling
5. Random texts; emails
6. Cute faces

5 Favorites:

1. Movie:  thats tough; I would think The Notebook; Titanic; Set it Off and probably Save the Last Dance.
2. Song: I have way to many favorites; Collide Howdie Day would be number one.
3. Book: Call me lame, but the Chicken Soup books are good. Also, Ask Alice.
4. Food: Chicken.
5. Season: Summer.

4 smells or scents you enjoy:

1. Love Spell by VS.
2. Cucumber Melon.
3. Vanilla.
4. Pheonix Axe; it brings back memories.

3 places you want to go:

1. Portugal
2. California
3. Texas

2 favorite holidays:

1. Christmas
2. New Years

1 person you’d marry on the spot:

1. no one, right now.

20^th Jun 2010

Sunday // 10am // 1 year ago